Connecting With Reality
Detaching is letting go of our need to control the outcome. It is about accepting what is happening in the moment. Detachment is not indifferent, nor is it disconnecting from reality.
Detachment is about empowering ourselves to make decisions and take actions that allow us to be in charge of our emotional state. It is about releasing ourselves from the chains of our past.
Let go of the need to control and surrender to the flow of life.
Deepak Chopra
I lived with chronic low self-esteem for many, many years. I was in my 40s before I realized I could actually do something to change this. The first step was realizing I saw myself as a victim and identifying with the victim mentality.
I’d been teased mercilessly as a kid because of my lazy eye. I was shy and awkward, so I tried to be invisible. Add this to being abandoned by my birth father and sexually abused by my stepfather.
So you see, when things happened to me, like not getting the job I wanted or not being invited to that book club, I assumed I was unloveable. The more this happened, the greater my need for acceptance. Being accepted by others was the only way I felt validated.
Most humans have a habit of seeking validation from others. And when it doesn’t happen, when we are teased because of our looks or not invited to join friends on an outing, we suffer.
Desires naturally arise within humans, and there’s nothing wrong with them. But if we truly want to experience inner peace, we must be willing to let go of how we think things should be and embrace the current reality.
Allowing Our Feelings
But it is necessary if we want to experience inner peace.
Through practicing mindfulness, we more easily become aware of what we are feeling and what emotions are present. Through awareness, we learn that it is okay to simply accept these feelings. There is no need to judge; we just allow our feelings to be.
Through acceptance, we can let go of outcomes. We step back, detach from validation-seeking, and embrace the present moment. We are free to enjoy ourselves regardless of what others do or say.
Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at that moment. It is part of the isness of the Now. You can’t argue with what is. Well, you can, but if you do, you suffer.
Eckhart Tolle
I’ve spent years reading and sitting with various teachers, learning how to free myself from this victim mentality and from the insatiable need to gain the approval and validation of others. I wanted to quit more times than I can count, but I didn’t. It was so much easier to blame others for my discomfort and pain.
The most valuable tool I gleaned to change my victim mentality and begin to practice acceptance and detachment was body awareness. My body knows when I’m slipping into fear and reactivity; it informs me when my past wants to overshadow my presence. When this happens, I know to stop and breathe and bring my awareness to the present moment.
Body awareness not only anchors you in the present moment, it is a doorway out of the prison that is the ego. It also strengthens the immune system and the body’s ability to heal itself. ~Eckhart Tolle
My Personal Practice
I encourage everyone to create their own.
Breathwork: Filling your body with life-giving oxygen balances your nervous system, allowing for clarity of mind.
Mindful Movement: Yoga is excellent. Try a few rounds of Sun Salutations. Or take a mindful walk in nature, hug a tree, or dance to music.
Body Awareness Meditation: Sit comfortably or lay down and breathe. Focus your full attention on each part of your body, starting with your feet, move your awareness up to the crown of your head. Breathe into each place while completely relaxing. Allow your energy to flow filling each cell with love.
Self-inquiry journaling is a way to become aware of the thoughts and patterns that keep us chained to the past. Through this awareness, we can make changes that support the life we want.
Breath by breath, let go of fear, expectation, anger, regret, cravings, frustration, fatigue. Let go of the need for approval. Let go of old judgments and opinions. Die to all that, and fly free. Soar in the freedom of desirelessness. ~Lama Surya Das
Lama Surya Das
