The pain is part of my story — but it is not the story.
It was my usual Thursday morning session, sitting with my trusted friend and Zen therapist. Once again, I was sharing the tragedy I believed was my life. Even though he’d heard my story countless times, he listened with deep, loving compassion.
When I finished, we fell silent. I was crying; the story felt so hard and ugly. I could not see any way out. I looked up through my tears at his smiling face — soft, loving, accepting. I felt heard. But the pain was relentless, loud, throbbing.
After a bit, he leaned in, took my hands, and softly said, “Victim and villain — different sides of the same coin.”
I was stunned. This was not what I expected him to say. Was he telling me I was somehow the perpetrator in my own drama? That I was to blame? My heart raced. My breath got shallow. More tears. I was on the brink of hysteria.
He looked into my face and simply asked me to breathe.
Together, several rounds — breath in, breath out. My heart rate slowed. My body softened. I was scared, but I trusted him completely.
“Just breathe,” he kept saying. “Just breathe.”
Years later, I understand what he meant.
Today, when that wounded part of me — the one who once lived as the victim — arrives at my door, I no longer push her away. As Ram Dass suggests, I invite her in for tea. I sit with her. I ask, “What do you want?”
“To be seen. To be heard,” she always says.
The turning point came when I finally stopped trying to make the past disappear. No begging, no tears, no retelling of the story was going to undo what had happened.
Something in me understood: as long as I clung to the role of victim, the past still owned me.
So I began the slow, quiet work of reclaiming my life.
I decided to no longer see myself as a victim. Nor even as a survivor.
I am whole.
I do not deny the pain, but I don’t relive it.
It no longer owns me.
Today, I carry calm into my thoughts.
Today, I carry kindness into my actions.
Today, I walk beside peace, a willing follower.
Today, I am peace.
This piece is a reflection, reminding us of the invitation of the Heart Chakra — to trust the Divine Loving self. It lives alongside the larger body of work I’m shaping in my forthcoming book, The Seven Gates of Inner Light.
Wow Lee! Thank you for sharing this intimate experience with us! You made your point clear and concisely! I will back down from the Victim Role I have played so well in life as well as villianizing every hurt I have ever felt by someone else. Walk softly I will, with a calm and open mind. Love to you!
Hey, Cheryl, thanks for reading and commenting. When we get stuck in that victim role, it becomes our identity and every off event in our lives becomes another wall, another cage. I really appreciate your feedback.