People Plan, God Laughs: Living Life on Life’s Terms

There is a saying: pain is an inevitable part of life but suffering is always optional. Suffering is defined as our resistance to what is here now. Learning to sit in the discomfort of the fire–the pain–is the path to finding true inner peace. And this is really all we want.

At the time of my husband’s death and during those miserably long hours, days, and months that followed, I could not see or feel anything but the pain. And all I wanted was to feel good again or at the very least, not feel anything. I thought the only way I would survive was for him to return from the dead. And because that was not going to happen, I found myself in a pretty dismal place.  

My ego-self stood firm, defying all rational thoughts. She despised any attempt from self or others to find peace, demanding that I wallow in the pain as if it were some sort of punishment. The door to compassion had slammed shut!

This Is Suffering

This is suffering

I knew that I possessed all the tools necessary to pull myself out of this. I knew in my heart that I was in control, not my ego-brain. I knew that I was causing my own suffering because I didn’t want to be with the pain of his death–I didn’t want him to be dead! The irony was that the more I resisted the pain, the more intense the pain got.

Emotions Cannot Be Fixed 

Emotions have a purpose. Simply put, they arise, quite naturally, within certain life situations. They are here to remind you and me, all of us, where those unresolved issues exist. They are an opportunity for healing.

Yes, painful situations happen–divorce, abandonment, death, loss of job, loss of a home, etc. It’s called life. I would never dismiss or minimize anyone’s sorrow but I have discovered that indeed, suffering is a choice. 

Here’s the key: knowing that suffering is a choice does not eliminate the pain. That’s the rub. We humans want the pain to go away, plain and simple. 

We cannot control what emotions or circumstances we will experience next, but we can choose how we will respond to them.

Gary Zukav

Empowerment is knowing we can choose, we are not victims of any circumstance.

When we place our spiritual, mental, and emotional well-being in some outside condition such as I did when Craig died, we become enslaved to that situation. When I finally got to the point of letting go of the resistance, I was able to embrace my grief. This is when my healing started. I still cried but I found support and spaciousness within my tears. I gave myself over to the pain and gave myself permission to feel. 

I didn’t want him to be gone, but he is. I didn’t want to hurt, but I did. I didn’t want life to change, but it did.

Craig’s favorite saying was, People plan, God laughs

Yes, I hear you, it hurts and you don’t want it here so how on earth can you be okay with this? You cry in anguish, fear clutches at your heart. But if you have faith, if you trust, you will find the light. 

Let go of your expectations, trust in the Divine. 

Trust in the Divine

During those bleak times following his transition, the only comfort I found was in the knowing that even within this unbearable pain, I was okay. Nothing had to change, nothing needed to be fixed. 

I practiced body awareness and noticed that little bit by little bit the pain softened and my breath returned. It took every bit of courage I had to get out of bed and face the day, but I did it. And I cried and screamed and took the dog out for a walk and did the dishes.

That was almost 15 years ago. I miss him every single day. And sometimes that missing brings tears. Today, however, my tears of grief have been transformed into tears of joy and deep gratitude. 

I am living proof that we can indeed learn to be with the pain and not suffer. I am truly Blessed, living life on life’s terms.

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

John Lennon

Journal Exercise

Take out your journal and give yourself this gift.  

  • Sit quietly and bring your awareness to your breath. 
  • Notice how the breath feels on the inhale and then on the exhale.
  • What do you hear? Smell?
  • How does the air feel against your skin?
  • Bring your awareness into your physical body and notice what sensations are present. Be the observer and simply notice what is here. 

Now write. Ask yourself, where am I resisting? And why?

Allow yourself to write without editing or judging–just note whatever arises. When you are done, put it away, drink some water and consider going for a short walk or doing a little yoga.


This is a beautiful, sometimes wild but always amazing path. Come, take my hand, together we will meet what is here. Together we will travel to the core, to the heart of the matter.

Book your private, one-on-one with me: https://www.leebyrdmystic.com/about/private-sessions/

2 comments

  1. What a beautiful lesson. As we experienced the emotions, moving through us, we don’t get stuck in them. I believe that the suffering is the stuckness, as you say the resistance. As we allow it to flow, the feelings flow through us, grief is for the flats of different feelings, and if we allow the expression of them we don’t get stuck in the grief. I love the journal suggestions and the blog and put a gentle invite for people to work with you individually. Thank you for sharing this. It is so meaningful on so many levels.

    1. Thank, Barb! I appreciate your sharing your thoughts with me. Yes, allowing ourselves to feel and express these emotions really helps get them unstuck, and that the the purpose – to let them go!
      Blessings!
      Lee

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