Walking Away From Where I’ve Been

I always get to where I’m going by walking away from where I have been.

Winnie the Pooh

Like many, my childhood was wrought with trauma. Not just from the physical and emotional abuse I suffered at home, but also from teachers who teased and humiliated me when I pronounced words incorrectly. Then there were the bullies in the play yard who called me names because of my one lazy eye. 

As a result, I dedicated my life to healing these scars. I’ve been diligent, taking the time to read the books and attend the lectures and retreats. I’ve worked hard and have joyfully reaped the rewards that come with emotional freedom.

When I was 12 I got my first job babysitting for our neighbors. The kids and parents loved me and my reputation grew quickly. Soon my services were in high demand and that felt good. 

I love working and earning my own money. I’m a great employee–the kind you’d want on your team if you ran a business. I’m smart, honest, ethical, dependable and totally reliable. 

Another noble quality I possess is that I am a people pleaser. This simply means that I love to help others. But for my own well-being, I must keep this in balance. At work, if I’m not paying attention, the people pleaser persona can easily morph into the boss’s doormat. 

In June I lost a job I had for over 10 years. I was the office manager in a small doctors office. In addition to the usual front desk duties, I was responsible for training, supporting and motivating my staff. I love and respect these women–all of them honest and hard working, willing to do what it takes to get the job done. And I took good care of them–lunches on me, fun staff meetings and outings, and I was always available to give emotional support. I was available to my staff even if I wasn’t at the office. This was of course part of my undoing.

When thing went wrong, I caught the brunt of it.

I’m not sure when it happened but at some point I slid from being the reliable one to being the doormat. I was crazy stressed over everything from filing insurance claims to returning phone calls to supporting staff when they were melting down and there was lots of melting down. 

When things went wrong, and they did, I caught the brunt of it–dumped right in my lap. I kept foolishly thinking that the stress wasn’t all that bad. I kept telling myself that the doctor was just overwhelmed and that his blaming me was not personal. I kept thinking things would shift and I’d take that vacation I’d promised myself. 

But then this happened.

One day several months ago I woke up in excruciating pain. I couldn’t get up let alone out of bed. My back hurt, my knees were swollen to the size of small melons, and my head was pounding. Off to the ER where they prodded and poked. After endless tests and redundant questions, they put everything in a tidy little basket, put a bow on it labeled arthritis, and sent me home with a bunch of pills and a pile of bills. Ugh!

This was my wake up call

I knew this was my wake-up call. I sat crying, frightened, in that tiny cold room in the ER. Then I heard my guides gently whisper–stop. Stop. Doing. Everything. Now.

Intuitively I knew that this pain and inflammation was the direct result of stress. Stress will force all of our unresolved, unhealed emotions to the surface. And when they arise we have a choice. We can stop, pay attention, do the work to heal and resolve, or we can ignore them. Stress ignored can make us ill. Very, very ill.

I could not drive or go into the office so I offered to quit, that was what my body and heart wanted. But he talked me into working remotely. That didn’t work for him so he fired me. And I’m good with that. In fact, it is a blessing.

Even though I’d worked long and hard at healing, I realized that there was some small emotional residue left to be addressed. The job situation simply triggered the remaining trauma bits.

My Soul was calling for me to heal the next layer. I rolled up my sleeves and went to work.

What did I do? I walked (slowly at first with help), I cried, I journaled, I talked to friends who held sacred space for this exploration and I cried. I did chair yoga, I meditated, I read and listened to others who knew my journey. And I rested. 

If I let go of who I am I become who I might be.

Lao Tzu

My body is stronger every day. My mental clarity has returned. I love my life. I walked away from where I’d been so that I could be here where I am today. 

It is obvious that the universe has my back. She’s supporting me in writing and following my passion.

Living life on life’s terms.


A Simple Practice

2 comments

    1. Thanks, Barb. I was stuck on this post, something was missing. So I asked my guides for help. They whispered back, a children’s story. I was scanning the net for something else and the Pooh quote popped up – synchronicity at its finest!

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